


this is shakespearean

by antisocialmimikyu



Series: william shakespeare should get on my level [1]
Category: Macbeth - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, and maybe delete it off there too, i got in trouble for it, i should split it up more but :/ everything seems like too much on a big screen, i wrote this ages ago i just decided to publish it on ao3, so i could read it while not on the family comp, this was a school assignment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 06:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17340452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antisocialmimikyu/pseuds/antisocialmimikyu
Summary: A retelling of Shakespeare's famous play Macbeth, thatmaynot be entirely serious.





	this is shakespearean

Macbeth and his old pal Banquo were just heading home by Horse when Macbeth spotted some old ladies with incredible beards. “Y’all are rocking those beards,” Macbeth told them.

The witches conferred amongst themselves about what to do. He’d complimented their beards! They loved their beards and were extremely proud of how beautiful they were. “Let’s just. Tell him nice things that aren’t true,” the witches decided finally. “Let him feel good, I guess, even though HIS beard is nasty.”

“Thane of a place,” said the first witch. Macbeth gasped. He’s thane of a place!!

“Thane of..... a different, better place,” said the next witch. Macbeth nodded. He wanted to be thane of a different, better place.

“King of...... your country,” said the third witch, determined to outdo her sisters. Macbeth’s eyes were sparkling. He’d always wanted to be king of his country!

“Thanks for the prophecy, witches,” said Macbeth, pausing for a selfie with them. “You got anything to say for Banquo?”

The witches nodded. “Yeah, uh, like.... his descendants are gonna rule the country after you,” the third witch said finally. “Okay, goodbye, have a safe trip home.”

“You too,” said Macbeth. He and Banquo continued going home. However, soon a messenger rode up, screaming bloody murder.

“You are now thane of a different, better place,” said the messenger. Then he left.

  
“Hey uh, Macbeth.... you know this doesn’t mean the witches weren’t just creepy weirdos with amazing beards, right? I’m pretty sure they were making everything up as they went along,” said Banquo. But Macbeth didn’t listen. He was too busy fantasizing about his new kingdom. He walked into a pole.

“Okay well let’s get the rest of the way home then,” said Banquo. Macbeth backed up and walked into the pole again. Banquo sighed.

Eventually they got home. Macbeth told his dead wife’s twin sister who looked absolutely nothing like her twin sister, Macbeth’s dead wife, about the witches and told her that he was disappointed in her lack of beard. She shed a tear in agreement, but then remembered the fact that according to the witches she was about to (probably) end up queen of England if she played her cards right! So she shoved aside her jealousy and tells Macbeth, “Okay, husband who I am TOTALLY MARRIED TO, King Duncan’s visiting our house and DEFINITELY not for like, a funeral or whatever, so let’s like. Murder him. And steal his beard.”

“Okay that sounds fair,” said Macbeth, nodding slowly. 

Duncan visited the house eventually. “Macbeth I am so sorry about your wife,” he said. “I brought flowers and a book on dealing with grief- are you doing okay, buddy? We’re all very worried about you back at the castle.” Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister sweats nervously in the background. 

“Absolutely fine,” said Macbeth, wondering when he visited this marriage counselor. “Thanks for visiting. Why don’t you go up to your room and sleep.”

“Wow, thanks!” said Duncan. “You know me so well, Macbeth. No one else would have known how tired I am constantly when it’s just noon! I knew we were good friends.”

“Yes,” said Macbeth, hiding his knife stealthily. “Excellent friends......”

Duncan went up to his room and slept. Macbeth said to his dead wife’s twin sister, “I can’t murder him! Look at this hardcover book he brought me!! It’s helping me through the trauma from when my dog died when I was 10.”

“Fine,” said Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister, “I’ll go do it. Gimme the knife.”

He gave her the knife and wished her good luck. She went upstairs and right past the guards, who were idiots. But his face.... that beard..... she cannot risk getting blood on it and Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister was not a professional assassin. She shed a single tear. “Okay well I guess I gotta pressure Macbeth into doing it,” she said, “so I can blame him if he messes up this beautiful beard.”

She went back downstairs and said to Macbeth, “You kill him.”

“Okay,” said Macbeth. He killed Duncan and masterfully removed the beard as if he’d done this many times before. He smeared the blood on the wide-awake guards just in case, and then he gave the beard to his dead wife’s twin sister.

“It’s so beautiful,” said his dead wife’s twin sister, “thank you so much.” And she put it on. Macbeth agreed that she looks beautiful.

In the morning Duncan’s sons came down. “Okay, Macbeth,” he said, “did you murder our father??”

“NO,” Macbeth denied desperately. “No that was the, uhhhhh, guards.”

“Oh okay. But you did steal his beard, no?” Duncan’s sons said. “We can forgive murder, but- you desecrated his beard!! Not only is that completely morally wrong, it’s illegal! How could you??”

“Get out of my house,” said Macbeth.

“Okay,” said Duncan’s sons. They left the country. Macbeth, as thane of a different, better place, was now next in line for the throne. 

“Yay all according to plan,” Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister cheered to herself as she rubbed her hands together evilly. “It is all coming together.”

Macbeth was too busy reading the book on grief and crying silently as he remembered Spot to hear her. “He deserved better,” he whispered to himself. “He was such a good boy...”

“Hang on,” said Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister. “Why would Banqou’s descendants be kings but not OUR descendants, that’s weird. Macbeth, let’s murder Banquo and his son.”

“Okay honey whatever you say,” said Macbeth, who was not listening. 

“Thanks,” said Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister, making an obnoxious kissyface. Macbeth was too oblivious to his surroundings to notice it at all.

Anyway Banquo got murdered but his son escaped because the assassins decided, “Hey, suddenly we have morals, give him a ten-second head start,” and they did and he got away. 

“Oh well,” said Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister. “It was worth a try.”

Anyway Macbeth threw a party to celebrate being a king and he called all his friends, even Banquo, who he hadn’t realized is dead. Banquo shows up.

“Yeah bro you may have like... let your dead wife’s twin sister send assassins after me but there’s no way I’m missing such a SICK party,” said Banquo. Macbeth tried to fist bump him but it went right through, unfortunately. Macbeth cried. “Don’t worry it’s okay we’re fistbumping... in my heart.”

“Thanks bro,” said Macbeth, crying softly. “I love you bro.”

“Why are you talking to your empty seat, person who I married,” said Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister. 

“Bye,” said Macbeth, skipping off into the gardens with his best friend. Even or perhaps especially without him the party was extremely rad. Everyone had a good time.

So anyway it was Duncan’s sons’ turn to scheme and Macbeth was worried about this, so along with his desire for beard care tips he returned to the witches instead of doing his kingly duties.

“Any advice?” he asked them.

“Yeah uhhhh... you’re not gonna die by anyone who was of human woman born.”

“Who does that not include??” Macbeth asked, confused, before deciding to just be relieved by it.

“And definitely not until the forest near the castle comes up to fight you personally.”

“Always wanted to wrestle trees,” Macbeth said.

“Same, bro.”

“See you later, weird sisters,” said Macbeth. “I’ll make freiendship bracelets out of my beard or something as thanks.” 

“Please don’t we don’t want it,” the witches replied. Macbeth ignored this and left and went home full of new confidence. He shared his new knowledge with his dead wife’s twin sister. 

“Oh yeah and I forgot to mention I got assassins to murder your rival’s wife and child,” said his dead wife’s twin sister. “Do you mind?”

“No,” said Macbeth, who wasn’t listening. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem,” said his dead wife’s twin sister, who is busy scheming again.

A messenger burst into the room and pretended to faint dramatically before going into a retelling of what is going on outside. 

“I’m sorry, but we weren’t born into royalty so we never got lessons in charades, you’ll have to tell us normally,” said Macbeth’s dead wife’s twin sister.

“Oh for PETE’S SAKE,” wiggles the messenger. He thought for a minute and then figured out how to translate it into words. “Okay so the forest is marching against us but it’s actually just a bunch of people in awful tree cosplays it just looks like the forest when you’re not wearing your glasses.”

“Okay,” said Macbeth. “Well I guess I’ll finally go fight some trees.” And he grabbed a pair of shears and _leaves._

Macbeth was a fury to behold in battle and he’s winning even though he forgot to gather up his army. His hatred of trees is just that powerful.

“Heeeeey,” said Macduff. “Remember me?? You who ordered the death of my wife and child??”

“I did what,” said Macbeth. 

“You don’t remember??” asked Macduff. “How could you be so callous???? I will destroy you!!”

“Aren’t you like, born of a human woman though,” said Macbeth. “The witches said only someone who wasn’t could defeat me and they’ve been right so far, so I mean.”

“No.....” said Macduff. “Because I’m going to kill you soon, I’ll admit the truth to you. Me and my entire family are actually _immortal aliens_ from _outer space_! And you forced them back home for awhile so they could have tim eto recover! You will pay!”

They fought but Macduff is an _immortal alien_ to whom not even tree hatred can stand up against. Macbeth was killed and then Macduff returned to his home planet to spend time with his family, but not before making Banquo’s son What’s-His-Face the new king because he’s BFFs with Banquo now and Macduff felt he owed him a debt, and thus the witches’ words became true. Somehow.

* * *

 

The witches were in their perfect and impeccably neat modern kitchen. The third witch was at the table reading the newspaper and daintily sipping her extremely caffeinated and sugary coffee as the other two made breakfast.

“Hang on,” said the third witch, barely avoiding a spit take. “Guys. Guys ALL THAT STUFF WE MADE UP CAME TRUE???”

“Huh, you’re right- hey this’d look _amazing_ on our resume! People could hire us for witchy stuff!”

“Real money?? Heck yeah I am IN!”


End file.
